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Author Topic: Silly Stuff  (Read 447052 times)

Mr. Bill

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Silly Stuff
« on: September 24, 2004, 05:11:01 pm »

An exhalted member whose name I am unworthy of typing has suggested that there could be more humor around here.  So here's a place for it.

[The following is a REAL letter to the editor from way back in Nov 1989 that appeared in the Christchurch (New Zealand) Press:]

Sir,-- The media tell us every day that the so-called communist countries are rapidly developing into full capitalism, under various internal and external pressures. They are opting for a capitalist system of unplanned greed, which involves such benefits as drug-selling, unemployment, brothels, homeless people, millionaires and aimless destruction of the environment.  Fortunately, there is one socialist country untouched by this mad rush to return to a "me-first" economy. That country is the People's Republic of Albania, the only land with no debts, no unemployment and a steadily rising standard of living, based on the original principles of socialism and community living. --Yours, etc., J. LOCKE.
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Hunter

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« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2004, 05:15:30 pm »

Oh, I was gonna post this anyway so Claire would see it:

What happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

6) and it's football season?

Click if you dare
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Mr. Bill

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« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2004, 05:25:59 pm »

[Monkeywrenching the War on Drugs! An item from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, 1/31/1994:]

DRUG LAB FALSE ALARM

[Accompanying photo shows 2 cops in head-to-toe chemical protective gear, gas masks, etc. peering into a car trunk.] Two Seattle police officers wearing special protective gear check a car reported to have a drug lab in the trunk. Police cordoned off the 1500 block of First Avenue yesterday after a man flagged down a bicycle officer and said, "I have a drug lab in the trunk of my car and want to turn myself in," police said. Seattle fire and police crews rushed to the scene at 12:15 p.m., but found only poppy seeds and "benign chemicals" in the late-model Ford parked at First Avenue and Pike Street, police Sgt. E.I. Sano said. The man was not arrested, Sano said. The chemicals were taken to a lab for analysis, and traffic returned to normal just before 2 p.m.

[Can you imagine if he tried this stunt today?  He'd be locked up for chemical terrorism and a dozen other charges.
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Hunter

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« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2004, 05:29:58 pm »

Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids".  
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rockchucker

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« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2004, 05:48:07 pm »

Quote
Oh, I was gonna post this anyway so Claire would see it:
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  
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... it is poor civic hygiene to install technologies that could someday
facilitate a police state. -- Bruce Schneier

Put a little birdhouse in your soul. -- TMBG

FreedomSight

Mr. Bill

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Silly Stuff
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2004, 05:49:28 pm »

I love the cat.  Mine would strangle me with my own entrails if I tried that.

One more item out of my filing cabinet -- and a DISCLAIMER since nobody here knows me yet: I am NOT poking fun at black people. I would be poking fun at self-appointed pro-affirmative-action black "leaders", but this woman (whose name I'll omit out of pity) does it to herself fine without my help.  Here she is on the local TV news in A Small Northwest City, complaining that there aren't enough black employees on the city payroll:

"I don't believe that, um, black peoples is so dumb that they cannot, um, push 'em or drive 'em more when they hiring those temporary jobs like there the mow the lawn."

Caught that on a VCR tape by accident, and played it a dozen times to capture that amazing sentence verbatim.
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rockchucker

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« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2004, 05:58:37 pm »

Scientists at the Rand have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.

(Credit: Radley Balko)
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... it is poor civic hygiene to install technologies that could someday
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Put a little birdhouse in your soul. -- TMBG

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Hunter

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« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2004, 09:37:20 pm »

Sheesh, good thing Rand wasn't the only ones working on things. THough they did say something about technology not yet invented. But this isn't funny, exactly... hmmn...

Somewhat Amusing personality test - I'm a "Discoverer" myself.

 
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Junker

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« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2004, 10:15:05 pm »

http://melaman2.com/tvshows/index.html

...and long may their story be told.

(including Mr. Ed)
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Hunter

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« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2004, 10:33:07 pm »

Conversations between pilots and control towers

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the  world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
==================================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
==================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is  a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the  little Fokker in sight."
==================================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What  was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
==================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
==================================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
==================================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

==================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
" Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
==================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 235.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.

By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on  the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
 
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and          yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

==================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and  I'll have enough parts for another one."
==================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark --and I didn't land."
==================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
 
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
 
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Misfit

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« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2004, 10:40:17 pm »

Quote
Scientists at the Rand have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.


I'm just wondering what the heck the big steering wheel is for.... :blink:  

rockchucker

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« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2004, 10:55:59 pm »

Quote
Oh, I was gonna post this anyway so Claire would see it:
Comment I got on my blog:
Quote
He looks pretty tough, like a good limeman.
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... it is poor civic hygiene to install technologies that could someday
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Put a little birdhouse in your soul. -- TMBG

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Hunter

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« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2004, 11:03:39 pm »

Quote
Quote
Scientists at the Rand have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.


I'm just wondering what the heck the big steering wheel is for.... :blink:
I think it might be an early router.... <twinkle>  
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Misfit

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« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2004, 11:05:14 pm »

Quote
Somewhat Amusing personality test - I'm a "Discoverer" myself.

Yep, Discoverer too... wonder if that's common for the folks here at TCF
 

Hunter

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« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2004, 11:09:59 pm »

I'm sure we'll find out.
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