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[mouse]

My youngest grandson has joined our household.  When my son broke up with his wife he got custody of Aidan (who has just turned four) and he moved in with us.  My son resigned from work and became a "solo father" for the first year but about 3 weeks ago his old boss telephoned and asked him to go back to work, so now I do everything for Aidan.

The problem is that Aidan was brought up by his mother and father for the first 2 and a half years of his life and he was pretty much neglected by his mother and taught to "stand up for himself" by his father.  My son used to start work at 5am in those days and Aidan was pretty much pushed outside and left to his own devices from early morning.  I remember him wandering round in the frost in bare feet in the winter.  I have got him going to kindergarten now and try to keep him pretty well disciplined.  However, he makes "machine guns" out of wood and nails at kindy every day (we have got about 10 of his "machine guns" already) and does things like, when walking towards a group of other children, looks aggressively at them and just keep walking giving the impression that if they don't get out of his way he will knock them down.  Yesterday another boy wanted to be Aidan's friend and play with him, Aidan just glared at him and said through clenched teeth "get out of my way".

A girl at the kindy gave Aidan a "friendship card" that she'd made and he stood in front of her and tore it to shreds.  He can be a sweet little boy with me though and has developed a really angelic look for anyone he wants to impress.  However, he did kick me when I wouldn't put a DVD on that he wanted.

He is the sort of kid that "the naughty spot" just wouldn't work for because his most common expression is "I don't care" and then he looks at me with the sweetest look and I just melt.

Any ideas?

[MamaLiberty]

He is the sort of kid that "the naughty spot" just wouldn't work for because his most common expression is "I don't care" and then he looks at me with the sweetest look and I just melt.

You have to get over the "melt" thing. You wind up enabling the very behavior you are worried about.

This child needs a lot of "tough love" and I can only pray it isn't already too late. He's manipulative and the aggression will only grow fast if he is not dealt with right now. You and he might actually benefit from some professional counseling, if such a thing is available.

You have a very difficult path ahead with this one, and you have no time to lose getting started. If I can  help, please PM. I care.

[RVM45]

Wow,

If the kid walks around with the attitude and demeanor of Clint Eastwood in an old Spaghetti Western…

Hey, I admire him.

As long as he doesn't take it too far and inflict trauma…

Amicability is just a form of Hypocrisy and it is very hard to wean oneself from it once it is thoroughly ingrained.

And Amicability leads to Loquaciousness—another vice that I've never cured myself of.

Remember Kurt Russell telling Bat Masterson in the Wyatt Earp movie why he was firing him:

"You are an Amicable Man and that makes you an Inexact Man."

Not a Coward, Dweeb or Wimp—not even an Inferior Gunman…

Just too much of a Friendly Guy…

Yeah, I expect that if I'd been there Kurt Russell would have fired me along with Bat Masterson.

Let the brave little boy grow up hard. Don't weaken him.



…..RVM45

[Moonbeam]

Sounds like he is hurting and in need of some love. That love of course, should include stability, security and sound guidance. Best wishes.

[Who...me?]

The real question is how far the parents will let you go to fix the problem.

[mouse]

I am just handling it by lavishing as much attention as I can on Aidan, I have to be careful though that the other kids don't feel neglected as a result.  I made Aidan some chocolate milk and he was sitting at the table drinking it when the others came home, they made a huge fuss, although neither of them are too keen on chocolate milk.  It was a case of one child having something they didn't have.

I try to treat them fairly, and if I buy them new clothes I try to get something for Aidan as well, but then my son will make a fuss - in front of the kids - and says "I buy Aidan's clothes, you don't" and then he will add "he can have the clothes that Conner has grown out of" (Conner is 7).  My husband and I have official custody of the other two and my son has custody of Aidan, and he makes sure everybody knows that.  It is an awkward situation, I think Aidan must feel singled out. 

It's difficult when we teach Aidan one set of values and then my son comes along and tells him something different (e.g. Aidan might complain "Conner hit me" - or took my toy, or something - and I will talk to Conner about it and try to resolve it with words and my son will say,something like, "well stand up for yourself, hit him in the head".

At least we took one step to make him feel included in the wider family.  When Andy (son) moved in, we converted the garage into two rooms - one for him and one for Aidan.  When Andy went back to work we shifted Aidan in with the rest of the family and now he shares Samantha's room (coz she has the biggest bedroom) and I shifted his set of drawers with all his clothes in up to the lounge - Andy objected loudly but I told him "look, it is too much for me to go and get clothes out of the garage for him all the time".  He accepted that, and it doesn't make the lounge any more messy than it was anyway. 

The biggest difference between the way he is treated compared to the other kids is that he sees his mother all the time.  I am very strict with the other kids and they are only allowed to see her for a few hours every three weeks or so, under strict supervision, but Andy is always dropping off Aidan at his mothers and I never know until I go looking for him.  When I object "Andy says "it is because I knew you'd make a fuss".

We have four children really, aged from four to 30.  Andy is the 30 year old but he basically just one of them.

[MamaLiberty]

Oh, have you ever got your work cut out for you. sigh  So confusing for the children and frustrating for everyone else. My niece went through that for years and years. She had several children, and all but one of them managed to park their children on her for long periods of time after their divorces, then yank them away without reason or thought - then bring them back, ad nausea. Some of the children managed to come out ok, but some have had serious lifelong problems as a direct result. I don't know that a really good outcome is even possible in this kind of thing.

The only reason she survived it, I think, was that she practiced "tough love" on everyone and wasn't afraid to stand up for herself. I hope you can do that too.

[Splash22]

"I am just handling it by lavishing as much attention as I can on Aidan, I have to be careful though that the other kids don't feel neglected as a result."

How about not enforcing bad behavior with "lavishing attention"??
Aiden sounds like a very hurt little boy........
He is discovering, the worse I act, the better I get treated.

The other kids are also seeing Aiden being rewarded with the most attention, for the best behavior.

Yep, tough love due here. Why not include his "peers" in on the solutions? They, not solely you will be his "society".

If Aiden continues to manipulate the entire household with his pain, he is inflicting /releasing it upon you all and being rewarded for it.

Aiden has to learn,"if you do A, B, will result" HE, not YOU, will then learn to make the least painful choices with the built in rewards of good behavior. And..LOSE those "toy guns!!!" Building an arsenal at 5 is extremely telling and troubled behavior!
~S

[DiabloLoco]

And..LOSE those "toy guns!!!" Building an arsenal at 5 is extremely telling and troubled behavior!
~S

I respectfully disagree. A large amount of time is spent in my household using toy guns as teaching tools, focusing mainly on safety, but also on functionality and familiarity. My minion has DOZENS of toy guns of many different configurations and actions (pistol/shotgun/bolt rifle...etc...etc...). He graduated to bb/pellet guns 2 years ago. Every weekend that has nice weather, we go out back and have a little marksmanship competition. A single-shot .22 will be under the tree this December. He's ready for it. I have no worries about the minion becoming a serial killer or anything. Gun culture in this area runs deep. Just this past deer season, I started bringing him out to hunt with me. Sheltering children from useful tools does them no favors. That only creates fear of weapons (hopolophobe) due to unfamiliarity, when what you want them to feel is respect for the tool.

DL

[MamaLiberty]

I agree completely, DL... but mouse doesn't live were a lively gun culture exists. I'm also fairly certain that she doesn't have the opportunity to use those toy guns for gun safe education. And the parents of those children are even less likely to participate in such teaching.

Not that I think a toy gun or four will hurt that child, but he may have to face some uncomfortable fast forward learning at some point, simply because he didn't get it now. Very, very sad.

Would I give a young boy toy guns under those conditions if I couldn't use them to teach him well? I don't think so... Especially if he also watches TV and cop shows, which will teach him all the wrong things whether or not he has toy guns.

[Splash22]

The boy is extremely troubled, he needs professional help and quick. not guns!
He's already got plenty of "weapons" he is using----> violence, anger, manipulation....

Let him get help for his troubled little heart and mind FIRST, before you shove another weapon into his hands!

We weren't born with claws or fangs or weapons because we have a brain, or parents with brains.
A doting loving grandmother is great for a healthy stable child, but this boy is in a bad way who needs counseling along with his dad.
He's acting out his anger at the world...poor little guy. Yep love him, but he needs to know the world is not his oyster.
Encouraging weapons use on a troubled youngster is not positive, but destructive. He's got plenty of time to "be a man".
Let his heart and soul heal first.

[DiabloLoco]

The boy is extremely troubled, he needs professional help and quick. not guns!
He's already got plenty of "weapons" he is using----> violence, anger, manipulation....

Let him get help for his troubled little heart and mind FIRST, before you shove another weapon into his hands!

We weren't born with claws or fangs or weapons because we have a brain, or parents with brains.
A doting loving grandmother is great for a healthy stable child, but this boy is in a bad way who needs counseling along with his dad.
He's acting out his anger at the world...poor little guy. Yep love him, but he needs to know the world is not his oyster.
Encouraging weapons use on a troubled youngster is not positive, but destructive. He's got plenty of time to "be a man".
Let his heart and soul heal first.

Can't say that I disagree with you. I guess I have a "hair trigger" when someone suggests taking away guns (toys or not).

[Splash22]

Are we talking about You, or a little troubled boy?

You're speaking from the view of a grown man. By all means keep what weapons you think you need........but foisting weapons even toys on a kid so young and troubled is not the same thing.
~S
 

[DiabloLoco]

Are we talking about You, or a little troubled boy?

You're speaking from the view of a grown man. By all means keep what weapons you think you need........but foisting weapons even toys on a kid so young and troubled is not the same thing.
~S

Relax. I'm not looking for an argument.

[Splash22]

I am relaxed, just callin' 'em as I see 'em. Sorry, I wasn't arguing, rather, I thought we were discussing.

Apologize again, I was confused from  your response regarding yourself, your defense of weapons (which I stated I agreed with btw) your "hair trigger" as compared to a 4-5 year old.